Spinneyhead

The first annual Gorton street Mastermind championship, originally uploaded by spinneyhead.

It’s come down to a tense final (also the first round) between Harry and
Rachel.

Do you have a thousand dollars to put towards creating the perfect hi-fi/home cinema system? Yes? Then start with the cable. Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable starts from $999.99 for a refurbished one. That’s less than a dollar per millimetre, it has to be good value.

Of course, on Amazon the real test of how good a product is comes in the customer comments. The AKDL1 has 377 comments, with strong showings for both 1 star and 5. From the 1 star reviews, Harmless Gryphon from “Nowhere worth mentioning” has this to say-

I knew my day was going to improve when the truck pulled up at my home with this cable deep within. No ordinary truck, this one was Holy White, and the gold Delivery logo sparkled like a thousand suns reflected through shards of the purest ice formed with unadulterated water collected at the beginning of the universe. The driver, clad in a robe colored the softest of white, floated towards me on the cool fog of a hundred fire extinguishers. He smiled benevolently, like a father looking down upon his only child, and handed me a package wrapped in gold beaten thin to the point where you could see through it. I didn’t have to sign, because the driver could see within my heart, and knew that I was pure. Upon opening the package, an angelic choir started to sing, and reached a crescendo as I laid this cable on my stereo system. Instantly, my antiquated equipment transformed into components made from the clearest diamond-semiconductor. The cable knew where to go, and hooked itself into the correct ports without help from me – all the while, the choir sang praises to the almighty digital god. With trepidation, I pushed “play,” and was instantly enveloped in a sound that echoed the creation of all matter, a sound that vibrated every cell in my body to perfection. I was instantly taken to the next plane, where I saw the all-father. I knew with my entire soul, that all was good in the world.

But then I realized the cable was blue, so I only gave it one star. I hate blue.

If only it had been a different colour.

The cable is so perfect it tends to warp time and space. Matthew’s problem-

Transmission of music data at rates faster than the speed of light seemed convenient, until I realized I was hearing the music before I actually wanted to play it. Apparently Denon forgot how accustomed most of us are to unidirectional time and the general laws of physics. I tried to get used to this effect but hearing songs play before I even realized I was in the mood for them just really screwed up my preconceptions of choice and free will. I’m still having a major existential hangover.

Would not purchase again.

Pales a little when compared to that of John L, communicating from “Border of Wasteland, Former USA”

This connection isn’t sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be sometime around 2007 for whomever is reading this. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES. Something… happens with them. Something came through, something from somewhere else. We were overrun in days, not many of us are left. WE LIVE UNDERGROUND! ONLY YOU CAN STOP IT NOW. SAVE US. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES.

I don’t have much time. This connection isn’t sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be–

The 5 star reviews should be better, but still tend to show up certain problems. “A Customer” writes-

This seemingly underwhelming bit of wire, shrouded in a strange material gave off a strange aura when i stood near. A quick vision from God later and i knew i had to assassinate John Lennon using the mystical powers held within. I was disappointed to see however, after a quick Google search that John Lennon is already dead. His life stolen no doubt, by the previous owner of the very same cable i had come to posses.

A friend of mine also bought this on ebay where it was described as ‘Blue Cable’. The vague description suggested that he would be in receipt of the worst kind of Pornography through his TV but instead he recieved ‘a blue cable’. Disappointed, he used its strong sheathing to hang himself outside Hugh Hefner’s house to drive home his pain.

Cyberdan says-

I usually make quite good choices in life, however, not reading the manual or taking the 3 day training seminar in Oxnard, CA before trying to install this work of art was not one of them. Once I powered up my system, I realized that I had inadvertently hooked up the wrong ends to the wrong components. I don’t need to explain to any of you that the immediate reversal of my local gravity created quite a mess (it was pizza night of course). I had to replace every component in my system (not to mention a broken collar bone). The only exception was one well-made cable. Since that day, it has preformed flawlessly.

And Seblick gets technical-

As a cable it is without peer. Flux measurements at the terminus indicate a 5 by 5 Higgs Boson toroidal equivilence at a 570-degree rotation!
The parallel interspace coiling does result in a break-in period that measures close to 70,000 hours, but adjusting your frame-decoupling VMDRW box to the negative Kardza-Chu mode can reduce the time significantly.
Negatives expressed about this cable in other reviews are the result of failure to appreciate transcendence and purity of being that is rare in the cabling industry.

(As a post-script, I have noticed a “muddiness” in piano music between 9500 and 11200 hz.)

Whilst “Trevor McDave” expolains how mere mortals can afford it-

I’m sure I don’t need to explain that this is an amazing cable. Half of the advanced technology is only there to prevent the other half from creating a black hole through sheer awsomeness. The problem is, I’m sure most people who view this page are just left wondering how they, mere mortals, can afford it. Well, I will explain how I managed it, and through this technique you can soon have a Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable of your very own.

Go to the nearest drawer, or a similarly convenient place. If you do the following steps correctly, you should find a piece of paper with details of a bank account in your name. Use this account to order the cable from Amazon.

When it arrives, connect one end to a helmic regulator and the other to a time rotor. Make sure you follow the directional arrows. Remember, the signal goes from the helmic regulator to the time rotor, never the other way around. Then, using mere ordinary cables, connect the helmic regulator to a dimensional stabiliser and a computer keyboard. If you can’t find a helmic regulator, time rotor and dimensional stabiliser, a potato, an aardvark and a tin of spam should do. The AKDL1 will warp reality and turn them into the components you need. You should now have a basic but fully-working time and space machine. In case you’re wondering, there is no need for zeiton crystals. The device should power itself from the primal energies of the universe generated as a by-product of the AKDL1.

The next step is to go back a few centuries and place a large sum of money in a savings account. Upon your return to the present, compound interest should mean the account contains enough money to afford the Denon AKDL1, and maybe have a few pennies left over besides. Finally, write the details of the account on a piece of paper, go back a couple of days, and leave it in the drawer for your past self to find.

A word of warning, though. Never reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. If you do, the AKDL1 will obtain sentience, almost godlike powers, and an appetite for destruction. And that means trouble, believe me (hence the missing star).

I have to stop now, or I’ll spend the rest of the day reading silly reviews for a ludicrously expensive bit of wire.